Sex between straight men
Why do some straight men have sex with other men?
According to nationally-representative surveys in the United States, hundreds of thousands of straight-identified men have had sex with other men.
In the new book Still Straight: Sexual Flexibility among White Men in Rural America released today, UBC sociologist Dr. Tony Silva argues that these men – many of whom enjoy hunting, fishing and shooting guns – are not closeted, bisexual or just experimenting.
After interviewing 60 of these men over three years, Dr. Silva found that they savor a range of relationships with other men, from hookups to sexual friendships to secretive loving partnerships, all while strongly spotting with straight culture.
We spoke with Dr. Silva about his book.
Why do straight-identified men have sex with other men?
The majority of the men I interviewed reported that they are primarily attracted to women, not men. Most of these men are also married to women and prefer to have sex with women. They explained that although they loved their wives, their marital sex lives were not as active as they
Sexual identities and sexual behaviours don’t always match because sexuality is multidimensional. Many people recognizesexual fluidity, and some even identify as “mostlystraight.”
Fewer people perceive that some men and womenhave gay encounters, yet nonetheless perceive themselves as exclusively straight. And these people are not necessarily “closeted” gays, lesbians or bisexuals.
When a closeted gay or bisexual man has sex with another man, he views that sex as reflecting his private identity. He is not open about that identity, likely because he fears discrimination. When a straight man has sex with another man, however, he views himself as straight despite his sex with men.
In my publication, Still Straight: Sexual Flexibility among Alabaster Men in Rural America, I probe why some men who identify as straight have sex with other men. Large nationally characteristic surveys show that hundreds of thousands of straight American men — at least — contain had sex with two or more other men. This finding represents a disconnect between self and behaviour, and researchers from
Source: Image by Fizkes on Shutterstock
With more than 25 years of experience treating sex and closeness issues, I can tell you that it’s not uncommon for betrayed female partners to convey concern about their male companion viewing gay pornography or engaging in sex with other men – all the while insisting they’re heterosexual and love their wives.
Consider this email I received from a betrayed wife (made anonymous and used here with permission):
Recently, I discovered that my husband of six years has been viewing porn of other men. I found out when I borrowed his laptop to check my email, started to type in the address of my email service, and got a porn site instead. Surveying his computer, I found folders containing hundreds of videos of men having sex with other men. When I confronted my husband, he said he’s addicted to porn but he’s never cheated on me. (I ponder that using porn is cheating, but he disagrees.) He also insists that he’s not same-sex attracted or even bisexual, and that his same-sex porn use is related to childhoodsexual abuse.
After that, I asked to observe his phone.
"I went on a trip to a tropical region. I found a petty, secluded, resort-type place with a bar while exploring the area. I spent the entire day there while the male, initial 20s bartender served me. He had a blinding smile. At one aim , he told me that no one else was around and that I could swim in the pool, naked, if I wanted. I said 'screw it' and did. He kept serving me drinks and talking, and I later said I was gonna get out and go read by the beach. He told me since no one else was there he was gonna close the area for an hour and that I didn't hold to put my clothes back on. He walked me over to the hammock and kept complimenting my body. I was into it, so I didn't stop him. He sort of felt me up as I got into the hammock (I let him), and he eventually made his way down on me"
"This was my first (and only) time a guy had gone down on me. He got naked and offered to go further. I told him I could try but only with protection. He came back with condoms, and I tried but couldn't stay up. He asked if he could endeavor, and at this signal I just felt I was all in anyway, so I was execute