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When I first came to prison, I didn’t know how I should act. I was a gay man, convicted of a sex crime. We’ve all heard the horror stories. But I had one thing going for me: I was big, weighing in at pounds, a unbiased amount of which was muscle. For the most part, other inmates left me alone.

That is, until the other gays and trans found out about me. At the time, one of the gangs, which called themselves the Aryan Knights, used “beating up fags and chomos (child molesters)” as an initiation for new members. Like I said, they pretty much avoided me—preferring to go after the smaller and weaker. But that meant that a number of homosexual men and transgender women suddenly wanted to be my crush (or girlfriend), not because they liked me in that way, but because they figured I’d protect them.

For a while, I went along with it. At one point I was the “boyfriend” of six different people at the same time. But I tired of being used, and wanted real companionship, so I eventually started hanging out with just one cute brief guy who seemed to acquire genuine affection for me. I was devastated wh

My Journey as a Gay Man in Recovery

“I accept myself as a year-old gay alcoholic guy in recovery.” I wrote that sentence in August of , roughly a month after coming dwelling from my second trip through Mountainside’s residential treatment program. Being able to put pen to manuscript and write those words together, in one sentence, represents a long journey of hard work and support to not only accept but embrace two parts of my persona that I kept secret. I let go of shame to live a much happier, more genuine life as a homosexual man in recovery.

Growing Up in the Closet

Like many people who identify as LGBTQIA+, I knew I was gay long before I ever came out to anyone, and coming out of the closet wasn’t an option. Growing up, particularly in elevated school, I was so worried people would locate out. (Were the comments I got from upper school jocks because they actually knew I was gay or because that was their lazy bullying tactic—harassing anyone who was smart, skinny, and completely uncoordinated?) 

I tried to convince myself I wasn’t really gay, and I lived life and based decisions on